Big Ticket                   (Top of Page)

The unemployed independent contractor came in for a tall one tonight. He finally landed a solid long-term gig and was supposed to be celebrating, but something was wrong. As he drank, he described the scene, "...so they liked my pitch. Their HR guy asks me for my rate, I shoot him a number and he says, 'Okay.' It's that simple. The deal is done, but I'm sittin' there thinking, 'Dang, I just undersold myself!'" He hoisted his glass and looked at me with an incredulous stare.

I folded my bar towel, "You forgot the golden rule for big ticket items."

He quickly followed, "And?"

"Always ask for too much money, somebody just might pay it."

He took a big hit off his Suffering Bastard. Nearly depleting it, he curled his lips and thought for a bit... "So, how much for a refill?"

I smiled and dabbed a small spill, "You can't afford it."

Bartender Dan

In A Rut                   (Top of Page)

A steady customer bellied up with a problem, "Bartender Dan, my job stinks! It's just the same old stuff over and over again. I'm going nowhere, fast." He looked down at the bar heavily, shoulders slumped, like a worthless pile of sludge.

So I hung it out there, "You know what they say..."

He looked up curiously, "What's that?"

"A rut is a grave with the ends kicked out."

His jaw went slack as he looked right through me into the future.

"Dump that job, Jimbo. Get yourself going. It's not too late."

He snapped to and I could see it in his eyes. I made him a Gibson, ice-cold.

Time for Jim to wake up.

Bartender Dan

Presenting Our Best                   (Top of Page)

Mr. Product Engineer came in last night with a loosened tie, looking to bend an ear. I set the napkin, "Hey buddy, what's up? How'd that demo go?"

He swept the bar with his hands, "Man, we had the product nailed and the demo honed; the promo verbiage was perfect. Then Marketing steps in, they want their boy to run the show."

I chimed, "Weren't you going do that?" He shot a nasty glance, "So it's showtime: Whiz Kid gets up and loses his cool, screws everything up... some kind of stage fright; he makes us all look like idiots." He shook his head in disgust, so I coastered up the tumbler and splashed a little sageness:

"Something always drops a turd on a parade, usually it's a horse."

"Yeah, well this time it was a jackass." He took a bump off his drink and raised an eyebrow, "Hey, this is pretty good. What is it?"

"Glad you like it. That's a Frankenjack, so be careful."

Bartender Dan

Teamwork                   (Top of Page)

This guy walks in and slumps onto the bar stool, early Happy Hour, looking fed up. So I pop the greet, "Hey pal, what's the story?"

Turns out he just got his "TEAMWORK" mug from the boss. He's supposed to drink his coffee out of it and be one of the "team." He says, "What a joke! I don't even drink coffee!"

I said, "There's no 'I' in 'TEAM,' but you can spell 'MEAT' with it."

He lamented, "I hear ya, brotha... and don't get me started on the quality of our so-called team."

I nod and drop the olives, "Here, have a Dirty Martini and take a load off."

He tipped the glass, "Thanks, bud. I guess tomorrow's another day."

"You got that right."

Bartender Dan

Gravy Train                   (Top of Page)

The executive who rose to management despite being highly competent came back last night. She was complaining about having to do three jobs at once along with the burden of supervising a bunch of jokers.

I deadpanned the cliché, "That's why they pay you the big bucks."

She said, "Still, I should get out of there, they're taking advantage of me."

I hit reset, "Let me get this straight: You're riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels pulling a honey wagon. You've got your bucket under a spigot that's blasting out hot turkey giblet gravy, it ain't beef consommé, and you've got a problem?"

She laughed, "You're right, what am I complaining about?"

I made her a Lady Of Leisure to go with some Curried Shrimp that had just escaped from a sizzling pan. No problems here.

Bartender Dan